The purpose of this blog is to promote my healing through discourse with those who decide to read the posts, but more importantly as a way for me to process things in a way that does not require a person to sit and listen to me blather on about what ever stuff may be rattling around in my skull... Unlike a person stuck in a chair, or at a barstool, or bus stop, or where ever, you the reader can just click away - without continuing to read - and that is fine. I am none the wiser, so I don't feel offended. Again, blogs are usually one-directional anyhow - me to my 'followers', or into the ether world, either way, I guess I just put it out there.
Recently, prompted partly by the fast approaching date of my 30th High School Class Reunion, and with one kid away at college, I have been cleaning out dusty shelves and spaces in my house. What to keep what to throw away, what in the long run might my kids and grand kids want to see that would give them a glimpse into the life of their Dad, or grand-dad, or great-grand-dad. As I was doing this I began thinking about how life expands and contracts around us.
I have come to realize that life is a series of 'tethers' - some attached to us by others, and some we create and hold tight to by the virtue of who we are. I am also coming to realize that one key to this thing we call life and living happily is knowing which ones to cut and which ones to hold on to, and that the hardest thing to do is to let go of them. Sometimes, too, we need others to take the knife and cut away those that we refuse to release, and cannot see beyond our rigid grasp of them, that they simply need to go.
Not to be too simplistic, but in the interest of space, I will summarize the 'tethered-existence' of one man's life... Conceived in the womb, the umbilical tether is the first obvious connection - made and broken through development and birth. From birth we are tethered to family, environment, community, and culture. There are so many tethers; gender, race, ethnicity, language, heritage that it is amazing to me that we ever break free enough to continue, but it happens.
In our culture these first tethers are broken when we enter the 'school-era', where for the next to to fifteen or so, we move away from the confines of family and into a world of peer-community - new tethers form - independence grows, interests change, we struggle to become our own person, to find our own path. During this time we bind our selves and our identities to new people and communities, new values, ideals - yet some connections remain. Some we cannot ever escape.
I speak now of that often unspoken tether that only becomes more obvious in situations like we cancer patients (and other patients too!) face is that of genetics. Over the past 9 months since my most recent diagnosis and treatment, the importance of genetics has become very obvious. In our 'fix-it-pill' world where there is seemingly a dose of 'something' that will cure 'anything', it is obvious at least to me that the pharmaceutical shell game is almost a joke. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE medical advancement, hell, I am CERTAIN that I would not be here, boring you with these posts, were it not for medicine! What is comical is that DESPITE all this, your genetics will catch up with you, eventually.
Eventually, in either saddness, joy, relief, regret, or excitement, we all die. As many others have said, it is more about HOW we live than how LONG we live. For example, I have a handful of friends that expend boundless amounts of their time, energy and money on trying to 'do the right things' to stay alive - my vegetarian friends spend their time in avoidance of meat - hoping that longevity will result, my religious friends spend their time in prayer and dutiful observance of scripture - hoping that their efforts will result in a good life, and a good after life, my health-conscious friends spend their time in avoidance of lifes man-made hazards, smog, smoking, fluoride, preservatives. It all seems kind of pointless from my seat in the doctors waiting room, where I sit, waiting for my next dose of something or other.
Sorry, I 'drifted' - back to the tethers. Children grow into teens, teens in to adults, adults delve into relationships - some with children, some without, relationships change, the cycle repeats. Somewhere along the line we discover there are limits to life - tethers - things we cannot let go of, things we choose to release and those that seem impossible to cut.
Within our Western culture we have developed to the point (good or bad) where we, in my opinion, are not allowed to live completely because of these tethers. As I have mentioned the only ones we currently cannot escape are the genetic ones. But, again, through the lens of my life I can clearly see that the truly free life of the untethered existence is probably not possible. This all sounds kid of dire, but I hope that if on examines their lives that they will discover that there have been times when we thought more about the journey than the ties that bind us to any place or time. I have had many.
Retreating to the beginning of this post, while cleaning I ran across an old journal from one of my more 'adventurous' periods - my time living in Haiti. At that time I was between the tethered existence of high school and adulthood - called 'college' - and was really discovering the world outside my regular life and also discovering things about myself, figuring out who I was, which direction I wanted my life to go...
NOTE: Yes, yes, I know I am blathering, but trust me, I am getting to the point of the post -- afterall, it is MY blog!!!
During my stay in Haiti, I was encouraged to go on a 'walk-about' - to take an individual journey, with no destination, no map, no goal, other than to simply go, explore, observe, and live. So I packed a couple days worth of food, a sleeping pad, my journal, some pens, my camera (of course) and went. Kind of like the old Kung-Fu show, 'I wandered, I worked, I ate, I slept, I met people.' I recall that walk-about with fondness because of the fact that only during that liminal time of life (in OUR culture) is that kind of thing tolerated. That makes me sad.
How does this relate to my Second Battle with cancer? Here it comes folks. I have discovered that due to all the tethers that bind us to the whole realm of adult responsibilities we are simply not allowed the luxury to re-focus our lives, to reset our psychological compasses, to redirect the path of our lives, to re-discover the things we really, truly enjoy. It is not the 'way of the West'.
Think of this - and obviously I have - what would happen if YOU decided to just say, "You know, I just need to some time to go." so, you leave a note on your kitchen table that says, "Dear family, I have decided to take a walk. I will be back in a while." Now, you don't do anything drastic, you pack a small bag with some clothes, a journal, some pens, a modicum of money, put on a good pair of walking shoes and just go. What would happen? You would quickly be branded a crazy person, and someone would come looking for you. You have committed no crime, you have broken no laws, you just decided to 'go' for a while.
Now, let's say you succeeded in your walk, were not re-captured like an escaped zoo-animal, tossed into a cell, drugged with thorium and labeled a nut case, and you returned after say, a good month or so and announced to your family. "Well, I have decided to quit [insert job title here] and become an [ insert 'non-traditional-option' here ]. I think we should sell our house, live minimally and enjoy the rest of our lives...." What would happen?......., see the beginning of this paragraph.
The unwritten, unexpressed limitations that keep us locked into the conventional paths, are the tethers I have been speaking about.
For cancer patients, the simple fact that we (sometimes daily) look down the path of life and see it as shorter rather than longer, come to the realization that LIVING life is what life is all about. We suddenly realize there are many, many tethers that can be cut that will make the rest of our lives as enjoyable as possible for what ever time that our medical treatments, our genetics and our luck allow us to have.
Recently, prompted partly by the fast approaching date of my 30th High School Class Reunion, and with one kid away at college, I have been cleaning out dusty shelves and spaces in my house. What to keep what to throw away, what in the long run might my kids and grand kids want to see that would give them a glimpse into the life of their Dad, or grand-dad, or great-grand-dad. As I was doing this I began thinking about how life expands and contracts around us.
I have come to realize that life is a series of 'tethers' - some attached to us by others, and some we create and hold tight to by the virtue of who we are. I am also coming to realize that one key to this thing we call life and living happily is knowing which ones to cut and which ones to hold on to, and that the hardest thing to do is to let go of them. Sometimes, too, we need others to take the knife and cut away those that we refuse to release, and cannot see beyond our rigid grasp of them, that they simply need to go.
Not to be too simplistic, but in the interest of space, I will summarize the 'tethered-existence' of one man's life... Conceived in the womb, the umbilical tether is the first obvious connection - made and broken through development and birth. From birth we are tethered to family, environment, community, and culture. There are so many tethers; gender, race, ethnicity, language, heritage that it is amazing to me that we ever break free enough to continue, but it happens.
In our culture these first tethers are broken when we enter the 'school-era', where for the next to to fifteen or so, we move away from the confines of family and into a world of peer-community - new tethers form - independence grows, interests change, we struggle to become our own person, to find our own path. During this time we bind our selves and our identities to new people and communities, new values, ideals - yet some connections remain. Some we cannot ever escape.
I speak now of that often unspoken tether that only becomes more obvious in situations like we cancer patients (and other patients too!) face is that of genetics. Over the past 9 months since my most recent diagnosis and treatment, the importance of genetics has become very obvious. In our 'fix-it-pill' world where there is seemingly a dose of 'something' that will cure 'anything', it is obvious at least to me that the pharmaceutical shell game is almost a joke. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE medical advancement, hell, I am CERTAIN that I would not be here, boring you with these posts, were it not for medicine! What is comical is that DESPITE all this, your genetics will catch up with you, eventually.
Eventually, in either saddness, joy, relief, regret, or excitement, we all die. As many others have said, it is more about HOW we live than how LONG we live. For example, I have a handful of friends that expend boundless amounts of their time, energy and money on trying to 'do the right things' to stay alive - my vegetarian friends spend their time in avoidance of meat - hoping that longevity will result, my religious friends spend their time in prayer and dutiful observance of scripture - hoping that their efforts will result in a good life, and a good after life, my health-conscious friends spend their time in avoidance of lifes man-made hazards, smog, smoking, fluoride, preservatives. It all seems kind of pointless from my seat in the doctors waiting room, where I sit, waiting for my next dose of something or other.
Sorry, I 'drifted' - back to the tethers. Children grow into teens, teens in to adults, adults delve into relationships - some with children, some without, relationships change, the cycle repeats. Somewhere along the line we discover there are limits to life - tethers - things we cannot let go of, things we choose to release and those that seem impossible to cut.
Within our Western culture we have developed to the point (good or bad) where we, in my opinion, are not allowed to live completely because of these tethers. As I have mentioned the only ones we currently cannot escape are the genetic ones. But, again, through the lens of my life I can clearly see that the truly free life of the untethered existence is probably not possible. This all sounds kid of dire, but I hope that if on examines their lives that they will discover that there have been times when we thought more about the journey than the ties that bind us to any place or time. I have had many.
Retreating to the beginning of this post, while cleaning I ran across an old journal from one of my more 'adventurous' periods - my time living in Haiti. At that time I was between the tethered existence of high school and adulthood - called 'college' - and was really discovering the world outside my regular life and also discovering things about myself, figuring out who I was, which direction I wanted my life to go...
NOTE: Yes, yes, I know I am blathering, but trust me, I am getting to the point of the post -- afterall, it is MY blog!!!
During my stay in Haiti, I was encouraged to go on a 'walk-about' - to take an individual journey, with no destination, no map, no goal, other than to simply go, explore, observe, and live. So I packed a couple days worth of food, a sleeping pad, my journal, some pens, my camera (of course) and went. Kind of like the old Kung-Fu show, 'I wandered, I worked, I ate, I slept, I met people.' I recall that walk-about with fondness because of the fact that only during that liminal time of life (in OUR culture) is that kind of thing tolerated. That makes me sad.
How does this relate to my Second Battle with cancer? Here it comes folks. I have discovered that due to all the tethers that bind us to the whole realm of adult responsibilities we are simply not allowed the luxury to re-focus our lives, to reset our psychological compasses, to redirect the path of our lives, to re-discover the things we really, truly enjoy. It is not the 'way of the West'.
Think of this - and obviously I have - what would happen if YOU decided to just say, "You know, I just need to some time to go." so, you leave a note on your kitchen table that says, "Dear family, I have decided to take a walk. I will be back in a while." Now, you don't do anything drastic, you pack a small bag with some clothes, a journal, some pens, a modicum of money, put on a good pair of walking shoes and just go. What would happen? You would quickly be branded a crazy person, and someone would come looking for you. You have committed no crime, you have broken no laws, you just decided to 'go' for a while.
Now, let's say you succeeded in your walk, were not re-captured like an escaped zoo-animal, tossed into a cell, drugged with thorium and labeled a nut case, and you returned after say, a good month or so and announced to your family. "Well, I have decided to quit [insert job title here] and become an [ insert 'non-traditional-option' here ]. I think we should sell our house, live minimally and enjoy the rest of our lives...." What would happen?......., see the beginning of this paragraph.
The unwritten, unexpressed limitations that keep us locked into the conventional paths, are the tethers I have been speaking about.
For cancer patients, the simple fact that we (sometimes daily) look down the path of life and see it as shorter rather than longer, come to the realization that LIVING life is what life is all about. We suddenly realize there are many, many tethers that can be cut that will make the rest of our lives as enjoyable as possible for what ever time that our medical treatments, our genetics and our luck allow us to have.
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