Walls, Doors & The Journey Forward

PATIENT NOTE : Over the past year, I have spent an inordinate amount of time, as a patient, as one whose world has been turned upside down by this cancer experience - multiple experiences - reflecting most often on the negative aspects of this process. Yes, it is awful. Yes, it is painful. Yes, it is paralyzing. However, I have discovered that dealing with nothing but the negative - without including those closest to me is often even more damaging. It is SO vital that patients know just how important TALKING is. I am not referring to the medical chit-chat between patient and doctor, or patient and treatment nurse, etc. but rather to open hearted conversations with those who STILL love us - despite what we as patients think. Living in 'our' bubble, trying to reduce the pain and suffering of our 'people' just doesn't work. THEY need us to know that our struggle is also theirs, and that they can only help if we ASK, and TELL them our fears and HOPE. This post will focus on looking forward. While scary, yes, and uncertain, there is still much I hope to do, live and experience along the way.

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WALLS : I want to start by first apologizing to MY people for building walls from inside my self and shutting them out on so many levels. Despite what I have written in the past, I have NOT always dealt with this process in the most healthy of ways. Fear, depression, unhappiness and selfishness can lead to so many stupid decisions that a wall gets built that has no doors... none to let me 'out', or to let others 'in'. My wall has often be 'decorated' with things that make it seem like I am doing fine, handling things well on my own, being strong and not needing help along the way -- nothing could be further from the truth. I NEED MY PEOPLE!! Starting at home, with my wife - who I have not given enough credit to along the way - for ALWAYS being there for me. Holding my hand, sharing tears of fear, sitting for hours at my hospital bedside. Always there. Then there is our oldest son. A wonderful, mature young man who, is an amazing listener and makes me proud every day. And, our youngest son, who despite all the faults I see in myself, he sees nothing but 'the best Dad in the world' - a title I don't often feel deserving of, but that is how he sees me, and I love him for it. Lastly, in our home are the 'non-human' family. The dogs and cats. Creatures that have nothing but love for their 'people' despite all the turmoil going on around them. Outside of my home, I am so fortunate to have a network of family and friends that are, again, in my opinion - way more supportive and caring than I fell deserving of. I cannot count the times when a kind word, text, Facebook post, gift in the mail or chat has kept me from giving up. Thank you everyone.

DOORS:  Recently, I have been reminded that walls are o.k. on some levels... There are things I don't HAVE to share with everyone, but without doors, I cannot LIVE. I can exist, but that is not the same thing. Without doors to let me 'out' of myself and let others 'in' I am doomed to simply wait for the end. I am convinced more than ever, that I want that end to be a long, long time from now, and in order to do that, I need to get healthy - medically as well as emotionally, and I can do NEITHER without those who I love and care for and those that love and care for me. I simply have to say "Here I am. I need you."

So, what things, given all else, do I look forward to as I keep on living. Amazingly, most of them are simple, common everyday things that we so often overlook. The list cold be impossibly long, so I will try to keep them to a 'Top 10' -- keeping in mind no particular order, and that there are many others. Here we go.

Scott's Top Ten List:
1) Snuggling with my wife.
2) A fresh blanket of snow and a sunny morning.
3) The sound and smell of a fresh pot of coffee brewing.
4) Conversations with Cameron about his career.
5) Watching and laughing at really bad sci-fi movies with Malcolm.
6) Georgia stealing pencils from my art box, and chasing peanuts around my studio.
7) Cooking amazing yummy things for my family and friends.
8) Working on my house and growing things in my yard.
9) Creating art to really loud music in my studio.
10) Being able to be a good listener and a good friend to my best buds.

THE JOURNEY FORWARD : I also look forward to many more years of putting together art shows with Everett, sharing our local artists work with the world. I really look forward to seeing my own work get better and get to the point where I can make a living creating things that make people smile.

I can't wait to see what my kids, my nieces and nephews and all my 'adopted-artistic-kids' do. I look forward to gallery openings, concerts, stage shows and being the proud parent in the audience, proud of all they do.

I look forward to graduations, college visits, apartment moves (as kids grow and move on). I look forward to weddings, and yes, even to adding the title of 'Grand' in front of 'Father' at some point. I look forward to introducing grandkids to art, music, cooking and being happy.

I look forward to sharing my experience with new artists,  young and old, when ever I get the chance.

I look forward to discovering new art, new music, new friends.

I look forward to the journey - the ups and the downs - knowing that I will have my people with me.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE MORNING: Walls protect us from the storms of life. Doors that open both ways let in friends and let us out to live in the world. But living only begins when you take someone's hand and walk down the path - together.