As I approach the first step in my battle with Cancer, it is easy to get wrapped up in the personal, after all, this is happening to ME. It is not happening to YOU, or YOU, or YOU. On many levels this is the truest statement that can be made about the experience. It is deeply personal. The effects; physical and emotional, in the end are mine to deal with. That being said, I want to explore what happens 'outside' the very personal bubble of the 'Cancer Experience'. When I take some time to look outside the ME, I see an ever expanding web of interconnections between MY cancer and the many people who participate in the experience - many I know, many I don't, many I simply can't thank enough. In order to succeed in my goal of winning this fight, I need them all, I GET them all - despite what I seem to want. Which is to just get it over with, quickly and with as little pain and suffering as possible. I WANT TO DROP THIS SUCKER IN THE FIRST ROUND...
While I have never been a 'boxer', I am a sucker for boxer movies. I can't help but waste away an occasional Sunday afternoon watching 3 or 4 'Rocky' movies when they make a run on television. Sorry, it is a cinematic weakness - one I cannot avoid!
I could write volumes on the various meanings in these movies - but in my current battle with cancer I want to look at those who make the fight possible. After all, NO ONE steps into the ring alone. To get to the big payday (in this case a cure!) there are several things a fighter needs:
THE DRIVE: In my case the drive is built upon the fact that at the ripe-young age of 48, I have no intention of giving up without a fight. I have too much left to see, to do and to experience to just say, "Ah, the hell with it, why bother?" So, I stand ready to fight, but how to get there...
I stand in the bathroom sometimes, looking at myself in the mirror and tell myself, "Dude, are you sure you can do this again?" I see evidence of weight loss - admittedly it looks good - bud damn, I don't want the 'Cancer-Diet'! Can't someone just give me some pill endorsed by Arnold Schwartzeneger, or Suzanne Sommers, or Chuck Norris or SOMETHING!!! I give myself the 'Jeeze is this guy an idiot look?' which, is kind of comical as I stand there in a steamy bathroom in just my skivvies! Trying to put on my best shadow boxer routine... I suddenly look around to be sure that the bathroom door is closed, and no one is watching.
"Come on man, OF COURSE you can do this! No, it ain't going to be easy - it wasn't last time either." So, the desire is there. What's next....
NEED FOR MAD SKILLS: To borrow from the movie 'Balboa', Rocky's new trainer is trying to decide how best to approach his 'return to the ring', how best to prepare him for the battle ahead.
Duke (Rocky's Trainer): You know all there is to know about fighting, so there's no sense us going down that same old road again. To beat this guy, you need speed - you don't have it. And your knees can't take the pounding, so hard running is out. And you got arthritis in your neck, and you've got calcium deposits on most of your joints, so sparring is out.
O.K. so, I know I am no Rocky Balboa, but I FEEL THIS.... To the core. The first time I fought cancer I was a spry 29 years young...pretty much in my 'prime'. I had no grey hair, had not developed diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, let alone CANCER. So when it hit then, it was scary, but the prognosis was good. I spent about a year fighting it off, and held my 'victory-belt' for nearly 20 years...
Now, nearly 20 years later, I am 48, greying around the edges, trying to figure out how to get one more fight out of this body. As Rocky said in BALBOA.... ‘I still got sump’n left,’ he says, ‘In duh basement…’ My basement ain't empty either....
So, Duke, Rocky's trainer, looks him over as they stand in the dim light of the gym he continues with the plan for Rocky's training....
Duke (Rocky's Trainer): So, what we'll be calling on is good ol’ fashion blunt force trauma. Horsepower. Heavy-duty, cast-iron, piledriving punches that will have to hurt so much they'll rattle his ancestors. Every time you hit him with a shot, it's gotta feel like he tried kissing the express train. Yeah! Let's start building some hurtin' bombs.
For me, the first set of punches in this new fight start with surgery in Cleveland next week. That brings me to the next group of important people in the fight...
THE TRAINERS: In my battle against cancer this time, my 'corner' will be filled with people. My primary 'trainers' are the team of physicians that will diagnose, evaluate, operate, treat and follow me during the fight. The come up with a training plan that I, as the fighter, must follow so that each punch I throw during this fight lands solidly and works toward taking down this most epic of foes. The next group of people that help me out are all the people I barely get to know during this process - I have vowed to keep a notebook along the way this time, so I can thank them. They include, nurses, physician assistants, interns, residents, lab-techs, and other medical personnel who depend on making me better for their livelihood! But as any good fighter knows, you can't get ANYWHERE without the next group I want to examine...
THE HOME TEAM: I cannot put it any simpler than to say, no matter how introverted, cranky, upset, solemn, strangely happy, wacko, bizarre I get during this process, it is all of YOU that really make the biggest difference. As much as this is a 'personal' battle, I realize that more than ever I will have need to depend on the support an encouragement of family and friends more than ever before. Accepting help has always been hard for me. Even harder than asking for it. I know that at this point in my life I have people who depend on me to get better - to help their lives be better - if that doesn't sound too conceited. I have a wife and kids that need me to be there for them - as more than just an economic provider - but as Husband and Dad.
I have other family members who I derive strength from and who I owe great debts of gratitude for being such wonderful people to have in my life, that to give any less than my best effort to fight this battle, would be beyond disrespectful.
Next, I have such a great group of friends that calling them 'friends' seems almost silly. They have also become family in spirit if not in blood. These people know me, know my good and bad points, know when I am and sad, know when I'm full of bull shit - and aren't afraid to tell me so. Without ALL of these people in my corner, I would not have the strength to try to fight.
Hopefully, I learned a lesson from watching the Rocky movies a bazillion times... I do not want to forget my 'Home Team'.
When I go to Cleveland next week to begin this newest battle I will be taking YOU all, in the words of 'Micky' Rocky's first trainer with me...
MICKEY: Slip the jab will ya, Slip the jab, That's right, That's it, Hey I didn't hear no bell...That's it mentalize, See that bum in front of you, You see yourself doing right and you'll do right... Come here Rock, My god your ready ain't you, That Apollo won't know what hit him, Your gonna roll over him like a bulldozer an Italian bulldozer,
You know kid I know how you feel about this fight that's comin up... And I'll tell you something if you wasn't here I prolly wouldn't be alive today, The fact that your here and doing as well as your doing gives me what do you call it motivation, Huh to stay alive, Cause I think that people die sometimes when they don't want to live no more, And nature is smarter than people think, Little by little we lose our friends, we lose everything, we keep losing and losing until we say, "Aw what the hell am I living around here for? I got no reason to go on", But we do kid, Boy I got a reason to go on, And I'm gonna stay alive, And I will watch you make good...
Wait a minute, Wait a minute now, Wait a minute, Look at this, See that, This here is the favorite thing I have on this earth and Rocky Marciano gave me that, You know what it was, His cufflink, And now I'm giving it to you, And it's gonna be like an angel on your shoulder, If you ever get hurt and you feel like your going down. This little angel is gonna whisper in your ear he's gonna say Get up you son of a bitch, Cause Micky loves you, Ok go after him kid, Go after him...
You ALL are my Mickey, and my CUFFLINK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VbVGSXcOsQ
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